All Good Things Must EndEdited Humor Version
by Anette Chase
Summary: OK...CarusoMustDie messed up my fic! This was supposed to be a sad fic, but they turned it into a humor fic. The serious version should be up soon...I hope. R


"Minerva! Would you please go get the cookie cutters?!" Dumbledore cried, gleefully.  
  
"Yes. Yes, indeed!" Professor McDonald coughed violently in agreement.  
  
"You're a pretty little slut! Very well then, off you go."  
  
Professor McDonald walked briskly away mumbling about how she still had to take orders from Dumbledore even though he was dead. She then tripped violently and plummeted down a flight of stairs.  
  
"Ah!" Dumbledore said, aspirating.  
  
"Ready, Harrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrry?" Hermione asked outside, beside the lake.  
  
"Do you give a shit if I am?! It'll happen anyway whether I'm ready or not, bitch!"  
  
"That's true…" Hermione whispered, looking down.  
  
Harry sighed. "I'm as ready as I'll ever be, you nasty ass Gryffinwhore!" He kicked her in the face. "After everything we've gone through, you'd think I wouldn't be afraid of a little Graduation ceremony, you fucked up hermaphrodite."   
  
"One would think that…" Hermione said, gaily.  
  
"Hermione? Tell me why we've having Graduation this year when we've never had it before? No one ever explained it to me. Everyone around here are muckheaps!"  
  
"That's true…" Hermione whispered, looking down.  
  
Harry flipped her off.  
  
"Well! It's also going to be a bit of a party to celebrate that You-Know-Who is gone, for this month. He always comes b--"  
  
"Hermione, say his fucking name, shithead! Everyone else does!"  
  
"Yeah, that would be a reason to have a party, no matter how gloomy we are." Hermione stated.   
  
"And besides, other people don't say his name…Ron--"  
  
Hermione stopped, realizing how dumb she was for saying that.  
  
"BITCH!!! He's dead! He's fucking DEAD!!!" Harry yelled pulling out his wand. "Did you pat Voldemort's head?! Did you Avada Kedavra him?! The blood dried on your hands didn't it?! Bitches! Stupid little bitches rattling the bones."  
  
"Yeah, that's true…" Hermione whispered, looking down. "Harry, Ron would want you to happy now. He wouldn't want you to be sad. He loved you. Even though he knew you were fucking everyone else."  
  
"That's true…" Harry said, not really meaning it. "How the fuck could it have happened? Why did he follow me? Bastard…If he hadn't been there, if I'd only been a bit quicker, if Voldemort had been slower…You should have stopped him, you aspirin-popping bitch!"  
  
Harry looked over at the Weasleys and a lump formed in his throat. He hadn't spoken to them since Christmas. Harry had made a point to avoid the Weasleys, even Ginny. Especially since, well…he and Ron had become close. Very close. Well, they had fucked like the animals on the discovery channel actually, but it wasn't worth mentioning. Drano was better…  
  
"Oh, Ron…why did you do it?! I told you that you needed to stay behind, that you'd get in the way! I SAID YOUR FAT ASS WOULD GET IN THE WAY!!! SHIT!!! You didn't listen, and now you're gone. Serves you right you--It's my fault, all my fault! Now you're gone, and I'm still here! GONE, you schmiel! Why? Why didn't I die instead?!"  
  
"One would think that…" Hermione said, even more like a full out queer.  
  
Harry took his seat on the makeshift stage that had been put on the grounds. Frankly, it looked like shit. Filch had supposedly put it up, but it looked more like Mrs. Norris had constructed this fucked up architecture. He had already gone over those very same thoughts everyday for the past week, and he still had no answers. Why had his ugly ass boyfriend died? He saw that about a quarter of the seats were empty. There had been 40 chairs set up. Ten of them were empty, including the one that Ron would have sat in. Damn that tutu loving snerple. What a fairy…Almost all the Slytherins had left the school at the end of last year and only one of them had remained. Malfoy. Drano Malfoy. Why he had stayed, Harry had no clue. Maybe because Harry wouldn't stop staring at his ass. Ron had told him that Drano had been disowned by his parents, but Harry couldn't quite believe it. No one would disown THAT ass. Yet, here he was, receiving glares from half of the students left. Mostly at his ass…Most of the students blamed Malfoy for everything that happened. Hermione was not among the ones glaring. Lesbian…Harry thought. He could have sworn he saw her staring at Susan Bones. Harry was a bit puzzled. Nasty ass…Hermione hated Malfoy almost as much as he and Ron. Well, he hated most of him…everything but his ass. Why should that have changed? The other students still hated him and made the fact known, but THEY still loved his ass.  
  
Now that Harry thought about it, Hermione had acted a bit odd around Susan the past weeks. Oh well. Harry would be saying good-bye to all of these people tomorrow anyway, so why should he care now? So what if she was a buck-toothed, frizzy-haired carpet muncher. He didn't give a shit.  
  
Professor McDonald walked up on the stage, reminding Harry of even more losses. Harry looked down at the ground. She quickly smiled at him before snidely giving him the finger. What a bitch…everyone hated her…even Malfoy's ass…hammy…  
  
Harry started to flash back…Doo Doo Doo Doo Doo Doo Doo Doo…(Twilight Zone theme)…He could still remember the final battle. Professor Dumbledore had ordered all of the students, including Harry, to stay in the Great Hall. He told them that a troll had taken a shit and it reeked. All of the teachers except Professor McDonald had gone outside. She stayed inside because she was smart enough not to get her ass killed. Harry told Ron and Hermione to stay inside, and he ran to the doors of the Great Hall. McDonald didn't try to stop him, and he apologized before running outside to where the other teachers were. She let him going hoping he would get his sorry ass blown up. A sick smile had twisted on her face at the thought. All of the teachers but her were fighting Death Eaters. Professor Dumbledore was fighting Voldemort himself. Harry tried to get over to them; but Death Eaters surrounded him and he got caught up fending them off. Harry had almost reached them when Voldemort used Avada Kedavra on Dumbledore while he was blowing some bubbles. Lupin tried next, but that ended with the same result. He was transfigured into a pile of shit and then Avada Kedavra-ed. Then Harry stepped up. What a dumbass…They exchanged curses and physical blows. I really don't want to get into everything because it's boring. Harry got knocked to the ground and his dildo flew out of his pocket. He picked it up and chunked it at the Dark Lord. It slapped him on the face, and turned on. Voldemort aimed his wand at Harry and used the Avada Kedavra, but Snape front-flipped in front of him and took the curse. Yes! Harry thought. By that time all of the Death Eaters had been taken down, as well as the few Dementors that had been out there. He turned to the teachers and told them to go inside the Great Hall. Most told him to go to hell, but a few listened. Trelawney told them that they had all knew the little shit's day would come and who were they to question the fates. Minerva quickly aspirated outside to slap her and then left. None of the teacher moved.  
  
"Move your fucking asses!" Trelawney yelled, still on the ground. She pulled out her wand and proceeded to turn the remaining people into giant flags with the words: Minerva is a nasty ass bitch with herpes on them.  
  
Harry told them to go again and the remainder ran inside, but someone ran past the teachers, yelling for Harry. It was Ron. It was fucking Ron! What a time to show up.  
  
"Hermione told me to come here. She was worried. She said something was going on…something strange. She started freaking out because she saw McDonald aspirate somewhere. She started screaming that these fucking bitches can't aspirate inside Hogwarts."  
  
"That's true…" Harry whispered, then he saw a wand. "Ron, look out!"  
  
Voldemort turned his wand on Ron and used Avada Kadavra. Ron died. Harry was filled with anger because he hadn't got to finish what he was saying to Ron. Oh well…Harry used Avada Kadavra on Voldemort. Voldemort was gone, but so was Ron. Like he gave a shit…  
  
Someone poked him, and Harry snapped out of it. It was Drano. He smiled, what an ass…Hermione waved, but he could really care less. Harry went up and got his diploma. As he headed back to his seat, he wadded it up and threw it at Hermione as she was leaning in to kiss that tub of lard Bones. He sat back down and applauded when someone got his or her diploma. Then, McDonald called Ron's name. Mr. And Mrs. Weasley walked up onto the stage and accepted the diploma for Ron. Harry busted out laughing. Everyone looked at him.  
  
"Sorry…" he muttered. Drano smiled at him. What an ass…  
  
Harry could tell that Mrs. Weasley had been crying recently. Even more now after his recent outburst.  
  
"Fuck you! Fuck you, scar head!" Mrs. Weasley screamed. "It's your fucking fault. It's--"  
  
She was being restrained by her husband and finally, McDonald had to knock her out. Her fist flew through the air and smacked Mrs. Weasley in the face.  
  
"Forgot my wand," she said, smiling. What a lie…  
  
The ceremony finished, and everyone wandered off. Harry went to his room, fell on his bed, and laughed. himself to sleep.  
  
"Harry? Wake up, you idiot! You fucking idiot!!!" a voice yelled.  
  
"What?" Harry got up and looked around. He wasn't in his room, or anywhere at Hogwarts for that matter.  
  
"Harry…you're not dreaming this." Ron said. It was Ron. FUCKING RON! What did he want?  
  
"What do you mean, I'm not dreaming? I fell asleep at Hogwarts, and I'm not dead…am I, Ron? Did you kill me? Did you fucking kill me?!"  
  
"No. Not yet.. but if you don't take care of yourself, I will…"  
  
"I don't care! I've killed Voldemort, there's nothing for me not to kill you!"  
  
"I'm dead."  
  
"Shut the fuck up! You're a fucking nobody!"  
  
"That's true…" Ron whispered.  
  
"I'll kill myself, too. I can't even get Malfoy's ass…"  
  
"Killing yourself is not the answer! How do you think we'd feel if you killed yourself? I know I'd personally kill you again!"  
  
"But it's not worth it!"  
  
"So, you don't care about my family? Hermione? Hagrid? Professor McDonald?"  
  
"I care for Drano! Drano! Or his ass at least…They all blame me for your death!"  
  
"No they don't! It's. Not. Your. Fault!"  
  
"I know. You were the fucking dumbass who came out there. I didn't tell you to.."  
  
"That's true…" Ron muttered, gaily.  
  
Snape swept into the room, "Oh, wee wee wee wee wee wee wee wee wee wee wee wee wee!!! Oh, when I was a wee wee boy, he took me on his wee wee lap, wee wee wee wee wee wee wee wee wee wee…Oh,--"  
  
"Professor Snape?"  
  
"SILENCE, FAG OF DARKNESS!!! I should take away 500 points from Gryffindork for all of the stupidity you've shown this past week, but I can't do that, seeing as I'm dead."  
  
"Oh, but you can…" Dumbledore said, suddenly aspirating, "Oh, but you will."  
  
Hermione suddenly cried, "You can't aspirate inside Hogwarts!"  
  
"Sileeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeenccccccceeeeeee!!!" Dumbledore yelled.  
  
Harry laughed inside. Hermione's suck a dumbass…  
  
"There could always be another Voldemort, Potter. You are needed to teach those other dunderheads how to defend themselves. They're a bunch of fucking idiots!!!" Snape said.  
  
"Severus, not all of them are dunderheads. Miss Granger, unfortunately, IS for an example, though…Tell me, Severus…have you ever eaten a cabbage leaf during the full moon?!"  
  
"No, but I drank Lupin's piss while I was fishing!"  
  
"Ah! I thought so!"  
  
"As I've told you countless times, Toilet Roll, any idiot could have gotten past my protection of the Sorcerer's Stone!!!"  
  
"Quite right!!!"  
  
Harry was very confused.  
  
"Professor Toilet Roll?"  
  
"Harry, I would ask that you would shut you mouth while I was speaking, you lop-headed dingle-wharf!" Dumbledore screamed with a twinkle in his eyes.  
  
"But Professor! It IS my fault! If I hadn't gone out there-"  
  
"It's true, Harry! You killed Ron! You killed us all!!! And you killed Sirius, too! Ah! And you love Malfoy's ass!"  
  
"There would be many more dead than just us," Lupin said.  
  
Harry jumped. Did he say he loved Drano's ass?!  
  
"Yes!" Dumbledore cried, reading his mind. "You have been deceived Mr. Weasley. Heneverlovedyou!!!"  
  
"The truth is, if I had let you go out there with us, well…none of us would have died. That is my fault for not bringing you out with us." Lupin continued, ignoring what was happening."  
  
"Harry, you need to get out of here and kill yourself. Die for all of us. And…there is one other thing…I hope Malfoy fucked you as good as you fucked him! DIE!!! DIE!!! DIE!!!"  
  
"Yeah, that's true…" Harry said, as Dumbledore held back Ron.  
  
"There is one person who needs you, or he…well…who knows what he may do," Dumbledore said. "Never forget what we had, but don't be saddened by it either. Be happy. Hermione was right. I don't want you to be sad, and neither do the rest of us. Except Ron…Even Professor Snape doesn't want…"  
  
"Yes he does! We all want you fucking dead!" Ron yelled.  
  
"That's true…" Harry said.  
  
"Well, Harry, it's time for us to go," Lupin said.  
  
"Go?"  
  
"Yes. We were allowed to wait for a week for you to come to terms with us being gone, but it took us coming to visit to get you on the right track."  
  
"Oh. Ok! See you in Biology!"  
  
"Indeed!" Dumbledore cried, offering him a small round biscuit. Would you like a DuplexSandwichCremeCookie?!"  
  
"And Harry, if we see you up here before you become an old fart…" Ron said.  
  
"Yes?"  
  
"Well, we're all gonna be pretty angry. We're gonna fucking kill you!!!" he continued.  
  
"Perhaps some spotted dick!" Dumbledore said, ignoring Ron.  
  
Harry laughed. "Alright! I get the point!"  
  
Dumbledore began to disappear, then Lupin, then Snape.  
  
"Don't ever forget, but don't grieve for us…" Ron whispered.  
  
A few minutes passes, and Harry lay there stunned. Then suddenly a figure popped up out of nowhere.  
  
"SUP?!" Dumbledore cried  
  
"What?"  
  
"This is Sup!"  
  
Harry looked confused.  
  
"You know me. You know me…yeah, you know me…" Dumbledore screamed. "I forgot my…Chocolate Frog Card…"  
  
He gave Harry a wink and said that he should read a fan fiction called The Secret of the Chocolate Frog Cards.  
  
"REMEMBER, CEDRIC, HARRY! REMEMBER CEDRIC!" And he was gone with a crack.  
  
Hermione began to scream again. "You can't aspira--AHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!" She cried as she fell out of a window.  
  
Harry bolted up in his bed. The sun was just beginning to rise. He went down to the common room and there sat Hermione and a boy sitting be the fire. Hermione was removing shrubbery from her hair that was obviously there from her fall out the window. She was comforting the boy, and Harry walked over to them. When Harry saw the boy, he was shocked. It was Malfoy! That's when he noticed Malfoy was crying.  
  
"What's wrong?"  
  
Malfoy looked up at Harry and began crying again.  
  
"What's wrong with him, Hermione?"  
  
"You were staring at his ass! That's what wrong!!! He thinks all you want is his ass!!!"  
  
"That's true…" Harry whispered." Is that all?"  
  
"Oh, and you didn't kill Voldemort…it was his dad."  
  
"Oh, well." Harry muttered."  
  
"Yeah." Hermione agreed.  
  
"That's what Ron ran out to tell you. Apparently, Voldemort went missing about a month ago, and they found his body the day before you fought Drano's dad."  
  
"That doesn't make any sense! How did he die?"  
  
"Malfoy's dad was an Occulimens. He hid his thoughts from Voldemort and killed him himself. Then he took polyjuice potion to make himself look like Voldemort and, well…you can guess the rest."  
  
"I'm so sorry, Malfoy. That's really fucked up…"  
  
"That's true…" Drano whispered. Don't kid yourself, Harry. I'm glad he's dead, and I don't blame you. I only wish I'd done it myself."  
  
"What do you mean?"  
  
"He wasn't exactly the world's best father. I hated him. He always ordered me to do all kinds of crap. He told me I was to try to become you friend, and if it didn't work, to become your enemy. I never really hated you or your friends, Harry. I was nothing more than a toy to my father."  
  
"But Ron is still dead! Nothing can change that! I'll always be alone, Always!" Harry cried suddenly.  
  
"What do you mean by that?" Hermione asked.  
  
"Ron and I were more than friends. Go figure it out, it's not that hard," Harry snapped.  
  
Hermione eyes widened, as did Malfoy's.  
  
"Potter…Harry. You don't have to be alone. There's other fish in the sea." Malfoy stood up and put a hand on Harry's shoulder. "And even if you don't fish someone else, you will always have your friends, which is more than I can say."  
  
"You've got at least one friend, Drano," Hermione said. "You've got Harry."  
  
"That's true…" Harry said, grabbing Drano's ass. "I never liked Ron…"  
  
Ron, Professor Snape, Lupin, and Dumbledore looked down at the three.  
  
"It's about time they got together!!!" Ron said.  
  
"What do you mean, Weasley?!" Snape asked sharply.  
  
"I knew, if Malfoy could get past all the shit that was throw at him, that he and Harry would be good friends or something more. He never loved me. I didn't love him either."  
  
"That's true…" Dumbledore said.  
  
"I was just with him because he was incredible in bed."  
  
"That's true…" Snape whispered, then quickly shut up.  
  
"Did you know that nearly 2 out of 3 people aren't getting enough ass in there diet! Sadly, most don't know how to get it!" Dumbledore cried.  
  
"That's true…" Lupin whispered.  
  
Snape, Ron, Lupin, and Dumbledore laughed.  
  
"I do believe Ron is right, Severus!" Dumbledore said, smiling, "And now the two boys are safe, we must all be on our way! Even if it is a very shitty way…"  
  
And with that, the four of them walked into the sunrise. Actually they can't walk because they're ghosts, so they floated.  
  
Then Dumbledore suddenly cried, "100% Whole-Grain Wheat and just the right amount of sweet, delicious frosting--The combination is irresistible!" 


End file.
